The White Food Diet

Universe: Is it a good idea to only eat foods that are white? If you cannot answer me then please consider me your guinea pig. I will sacrifice myself to you internet. I realize this is not a replicated, randomly assigned experiment; however, there will be multitudes of qualitative data available when you're through with me. I promise to back-fill and document the ins and outs of a white food diet. The extravagance, the grandeur; it will knock your socks off.

One day, not long ago... Ok, not long ago relatively speaking. Relative to: the dawn of time, to the age of dinosaurs, to the days of vikings when rough and tumble men and women inhabitated northern Newfoundland at lanse aux meadows- you know - the kin folk my dad likes to say he's directly related to? Right, that is a very predictable associaton for the Unofficial Official Ambassador of Newfoundland. Linking oneself to vikings when you are a skinny man with dark hair who looks nothing like the Scandinavian folk? Right. Relative to this time in history. I digress.

Back on track. Relatively speaking you see. I must keep this timeframe in perspective for myself. This is a tactic to help me convince myself that this has been a very short journey. One that will end. One where there is light at the end of the tunnel. You know, the good kind of light that helps light your path to the finish line after a long and hard marathon as the sun sets on your furrowed and sweaty brow? The crowds roar as they hear you approach and the spot light shines on you as you take your final steps to athletic stardom? That kind of light. (But, perhaps not the kind that you walk toward knowing you are heading to eternal bliss where all worldly possessions are left behind.) Right, the good athletic prowess kind of light. Where was I damnit? It was 3 short months ago (short being the relative part) when I self diagnosed myself with parisititis due to foreign body found in uterus. Thank you google! Google knows EVERYTHING. Not only did it know what was causing all my 'walk towards the heavenly light and end all suffering' symptoms but it knew how to fix me! I was about to begin a journey; a foray into the world of white food.

BEHOLD - THE WHITE FOOD DIET:
1. Numero uno, number one, the full monty, the clincher, the bomb: MILK. A fun filled happy four letter word. Consider this your staple should you choose to walk in my shoes and embark on a white food diet. MILK. MOO. (Soy may be a subsititute but you have to experiment with yourself on this. I cannot confirm nor deny its importance).
2. Cereal binging and by this I mean: eat one kind of cereal until you can no longer stomach the idea of seeing or smelling the stuff. Until you are seeing that damn big, red, ridiculous K staring at you in your dreams daring you to eat just one more bowl? Eat as much as you need - breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks - there aren't limits on this shit. I've been successful at crossing off Special K, Vector, Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios and am currently working to ruin myself forever on Corn Flakes. (Note: MILK is heavily related to this item. Are you seeing the correlation?)
3. Macintosh Apples. Ok, the skin is red. Sue me. The inside is white so it counts (and Google confirmed it is acceptable and an important part of the all white food diet so don't question. Acceptance of your diagnosis is paramount to the treatment being successful. That and remember the relative time concept I mentioned above). One apple a day has not been proven to keep the doctor away. Now that I think about it, that saying is a total sham and a ploy parents everywhere used to conspire against us younguns to ensure we ate our apples. Interesting. Add that to the list of grievances I have against my parents. Anyway, eat an apple.
4. White bread toasted, buttered and lightly sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar. Shut-up. Not a word on the nutritional value.
5. Noodles. Anykind, any place, anywhere.
6. Crackers. Anykind, any place, anywhere.

Fin. That's it ladies. If afflicted with parisititis due to foreign body found in uterus I would highly recommend this diet. Not only does it harken back to the days of old when you were a child and loved all of these aforementioned foods equally, but it is sure to help ward off the dreaded symptoms accompanied with this disorder. Statistical significance is likely not achievable on the results of this diet experiment due to the qualititive nature of the disease; however, the outcomes are favourable.

Disclaimers:
1. A mite bit of an embellishment on the Newfoundland bit. Take it for what it is.
2. Chicken DOES NOT count as verifiable and recommendable white food. It is heinous, protein filled disgustingness when suffering from this condition. DO NOT VENTURE. NO CHICKEN.
3. When your 2.5 year old pees on your brand new couch as a form of regression due to the concept of becoming a big sister and wanting to be a baby and wear diapers again, NO amount of white food will save you from wretching from the emotion and exertion of the whole episode. Accept the fact that anything currently in your stomach will no longer remain under such
circumstances.
4. By brand new couch I meant: It took us 5 years to decide to buy the damn thing so I can call it brand new for as long as I want.
5. This diet really doesn't work and is truly a figment of ones imagination. It is a tool used by women far and wide to bridge the gap. The gap from one breath to the next. The gap from one step to the next. The gap from one ticking second on the clock to the next as you sit at your desk at work attempting to focus but full well knowing you are suffering from this serious afflication (along with brain apnea - stay tuned on this one) and desperately trying to ensure all coworkers are completely unaware of why you have a permanently ashen 'I hate my life' look on your face. That kind of gap. If cinnamon sugar white bread toast accomplishes this bridge building then 'ta hell with the rest of ya. TAWONDA!

PS. I am 14 weeks and 4 days. Today I ate cereal, drank copious amounts of milk, a bowl of brown beans (which are white under all that sauce), noodles, a piece of toast and a grilled cheese sandwich. See, I'm getting better? Cheese is orange!

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life. I love my child. I love this new critter I am growing. I especially love my husband. Repeat as necessary.